IN MY WEAKNESS
Seems like most of my adult life has been nothing but abuse. I married at 21 thinking it was going to be forever. Knowing him since I was fifteen, he was the love of my life.
Of course it wasn't happily ever after. He became consumed by alcohol and was abusive. I Struggled for years to keep our family together watching as my three little boys stood in fear crying for me to leave him, yet I could not let him go.
I don't know how it happened yet one day in 1979 I gave up and took steps to get out of this situation and it seemed that each step took me farther away till there was no way of turning back. I don't think he wanted to lose his family but he just couldn't give up the alcohol.
In 1986 he was found in the river, he drowned we never knew if it was an accident or something else. I was devastated because I still loved him, but my hope was gone.
Within six months of my divorce I married another man. We saw each other only one month before marrying, he acted so nice and I was so desperate to have someone love me that I fell right into that old trap that I had struggled to get out of.
What I didn't know was that this one was more violent than the other, he didn't drink that I know about, but he would get in rages and he could have easily killed me at any time. Still I was stuck in this vicious cycle for another seven years, thinking there was no way out and at times not even caring if he did kill me and get me out of this poor excuse for a life.
Our daughter was born April 6, 1985 but even this beautiful child could not save this hopeless marriage.
With her life and other family members endangered it was time to get out. Divorced in 1987, again I was left alone and with another child to raise.
My daughter had to spend every other weekend with him, I was so afraid for her to be with him but it was the law, he had rights. A few years later my fears became reality, my daughter told me he had molested her, but we had no real physical proof so nothing was done about it, but she didn't have to see him again.
The years of abuse from the two men who had vowed to love me, had taken its toll and left me feeling dirty, ashamed and worthless.
No knowing how to deal with the world and being paralyzed around people I survived by living in a self made prison. Not going out unless it became necessary.
Somehow through this mess my kids maintained a normal life.
They had gone to The First Church of God for years; they had given their lives to Christ.
Sometimes I felt like my kids were deserting me to go to Church, and I resented it. In my world there were no friends or anyone to talk to.
There were times I felt I had no reason to live, and that the only way out was suicide, yet the thought of my kids being left behind kept me from taking action.
Thank God, He had other plans for my family and for me; He wasn't going to let me take the easy way out.
In 1993 my son David who by this time had married, decided he wanted to become a Youth Pastor, he started to attend Mid America Bible College. He was so excited and would come and share some of the great things he was leaning with me.
Seeing the excitement and the desire of his heart made me start to rethink my own life and the situation I lived in.
Maybe it wasn't too late for me; maybe I could still become someone my kids could be proud of
I began to seek knowledge of the Bible. I began to study and read Christian books. Slowly I started to go to Church, It was so hard in the beginning, Satan tried something new every week to stop me, but each time I took a step of faith, God helped me to overcome the temptation. I became stronger
The Church made me feel welcome and became like a second family for me.
On September 5, 1993 I gave my life to Christ. It was a new beginning for me; I had a chance to live, to be the person I was meant to be. My heart began to change I looked up not down. I probably would not be here today if I had not surrendered my life to Christ.
I got a job in the church in 1996, the first job I ever had and I learned many things, even computers which finally led me here to my web sites, my desire to create a ministry for Christ, to reach the lost but also to uplift other Christians who may be going through trials. God is using my new found skills for his glory. And that pleases me to be able to express what He has done for me.
I am so thankful that my kids were praying for my salvation even though I didn't know it then. They never tried to force me to go to Church; they lived a life of good examples.David is now the Pastor at The Bethany Church of God. I can honestly say today that I am glad that I am alive today and have a chance to witness for Christ.
In the last thirteen years I have done things that I had believed impossible but with Christ it was possible.
The road isn't always easy, At times God has had to give me a challenge or a gentle push, but in my weakness he has made me strong.
A few years ago I went through a very difficult change in my life; I lost my job that I had done for four years. For no apparent reason to me, though excuses were given, they didn't make sense to me. I felt much betrayed and rejected by people who were my friends, I couldn't see how I could ever forgive and go on with my life. Then God revealed that Jesus had been betrayed, rejected, and much more, and though His heart was broken, He was able to forgive them.
Even the body of Christ can hurt you whether they see it that way or not. The decisions they make can change someone else's life.
It didn't make sense to me as I was going through deep depression, being told that it was for the best and that I would find something better
.
I became more and more bitter, not knowingly of course, feeling I had a right to these feelings, and dealing with it in the only way that I could. It took a jolt from my son to make me realize that it was wrong. I could no longer carry this burden; I had to release it to the only one big enough to handle it, Jesus.
I prayed Oh God please give me the attitude of Christ please let me be able to forgive. When I finally let it go, I realized that my anger and pain was disappearing. I was starting to forgive them one by one.
Though I will never understand why it happened, I know that God has brought some good things out of it. I am stronger now and I have a mission to carry on.
My parents always stood by me, whether I was right or wrong, they were there for me. I know that it hurt them to see me destroying my own life, but they didn't give up on me. Several years ago they gave there lives to Christ also. That made me very happy.
March 5, 2001 was the year my dear sweet Daddy passed away. I created a Memorial Page in memory of him. Hope you will visit.
Dad's Memorial
May 18, 2003 I made it a goal for the New Year that I would get my drivers license, there were times I didn't know if I would make it but April 2, of this year I did reach that goal. A dream I thought I would never know became reality. I have learned with God's help even a 56 year old woman can reach those goals.
Nov. 07, 2005 Mom was reunited with Daddy in Heaven.
Please visit the special page I created in memory of her.
Mom's Memorial
Becky's Page
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